A Diagnosis

When I first felt something, I was in the shower. A little pebble in my right breast. I never felt it before. It made me pause, take notice and then it went to the back of my mind. 

I was in the middle of training for a half marathon. My goal was to get under 2 hours. I started to get side cramps and cramps right under my rib cage during each run. I had never had this happen before. The time I took most notice was when I was running 11 miles from Ventura to Ojai, CA. Nothing I did made the cramps lessen. They were so bad that I couldn't run for longer than a couple of minutes before having to walk. I called my coach to ask her if she had any experience with it. She suggested that I go to the doctor to see if something bigger was happening. 

A night or so later I checked on that pebble in my right breast. It was still there. I was sitting next to my now husband and told him about it. He got upset with me and asked if I had made an appointment. I told him that I would call in the morning. I went in to work and spoke with a coworker who had navigated cancer the previous year. I told her about the lump I felt and she told me to go to the doctor. Just in case. As much as I wanted to deny what my body already knew, I had to make the call. I had Kaiser insurance at the time and couldn't get in to see my doctor, so they suggested to go to Urgent Care. So, Daniel (my husband) met me there. The urgent care doctor was a woman who had experience with this type of thing thankfully. She felt what I felt and put in orders for an ultrasound and a mammogram. This was Friday. Monday I went in for an ultrasound and mammogram. The ultrasound doctor saw something abnormal and sent me to do the mammogram. The doctor who read the mammogram told me that it's probably nothing and that I will be fine. Unfortunately, doctors can be dismissive when you are young. "You're too young to have cancer" is a common comment I have heard. Thankfully the doctor who read my ultrasound wanted me to do a biopsy to be safe.  So, I went in the following Friday for the biopsy. The following Monday, on my way home from work I got the call. The biopsy showed cancerous cells. To say that the wind was knocked out of me would be an understatement. How was it possible? I was 36 years old. I was physically healthy, I ate well, I was mindful about the products I put on my body. It just didn't make sense. I was numb. 

I went to go see the surgical oncologist on July 3, 2019 armed with my Mom, my Dad, Daniel and my best friend. I needed them all to be there for different reasons. The doctor pulled up the results on the screen. Any hope I had of this all being a bad dream was swept away at that moment. Here it was on the screen. The doctor told us the diagnosis. Triple Negative breast cancer. I barely heard anything past that. I knew that this was the type that no one wants if they had to go through a cancer diagnosis. It's coined the aggressive kind. I instantly felt terrified, numb, hot and that life as I knew it was over. Thankfully my best friend was there taking notes and asking the questions that needed to be asked. Unfortunately, her mother was going through radiation at that time with a different cancer diagnosis of her own and so my best friend had experience. Seeing my Father with tears in his eyes and my Mother speechless with tears streaming down her face broke my heart. The doctor said that she had scheduled surgery for the following week. July 10th. I had to make a decision in 2 days whether I wanted to do a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. She also suggested to go and speak with a fertility specialist and referred me to do genetic counseling. All of these huge life altering decisions on top of a diagnosis. How in the heck could I even take the next step? Thank God for the support system around me that helped to steer me forward. 

I couldn't' eat. Couldn't sleep. My every though circulated around cancer. The tumor. The mornings were the hardest for me. Waking up to the reality of a cancer diagnosis. The best way that I could explain it, is that it felt like the worst heartache I have ever felt. My heart was broken. How was there cancer in my body? I thought I was healthy. I didn't want to be alone. Ever. That was something that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I am someone who thrives in being alone. But then, all I wanted was to be next to someone at all times. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. 

Receiving a diagnosis over a holiday weekend (4th of July weekend for me) is probably the worst time. Getting options or more information was nearly impossible. Everyone was out of the office. I had a big decision to make and had very little answers. I knew that I had options though. Even though the surgical oncologist made it sound dire that I get the surgery on July 10th, my gut knew that it wasn't right. For me. I had watched the documentary "The Truth About Cancer" years earlier and so I knew that there was alternative therapies out there. There wasn't just one way. I needed the time to research and to get my plan forward together. There was a lot of pressure to make a decision from my friends and family. I understood that they were scared. This was my life though. I needed to believe in my treatment and make the decisions that felt right for me. 

A diagnosis is never something that one wants. No matter what it is. They are life changing. Now, looking back, I realize that although sometimes it feels like the power is being taken away from you, there is a different power being given to you. We are never completely powerless when it comes to ourselves. I found power in making informed decisions that aligned with me. The path ahead would include chemotherapy because of the diagnosis, but it didn't mean that I couldn't do alternative therapies as well. There was power in how I showed up for myself, the people I surrounded myself with, my thoughts, my movements. There is power in all of our decisions for ourselves. We choose how to sit in the moments and move forward. So minute by minute I chose and choose Life.