Immunocompromised During The Pandemic
Days before the Governor of California put the Stay At Home Order in place, my naturopath Doctor had suggested that I self quarantine. He knew what was coming. Today is day 68 of being home. It's been a roller coaster to say the least. Most days I feel gratitude because really I have so very much to be grateful for. Then there is also loneliness, sadness, stillness and maybe even some anger sprinkled in there.
In the beginning, I stuck my nose in other peoples business and was wanting them to stay home for me. I didn't say these words to anyone, but it was (unknowingly at the time) how I felt. When friends said they were out living life as if nothing was happening, I got angry. Like it was personal. I didn't want to be the only one who was home and giving up the everyday things. I was scared to go out and I didn't want to be alone in that. For the past 10 months I have felt a sense of isolation. Very few people I know can relate to what I was going through (thankfully). Although my support system is amazing and there was and is so much love surrounding me, it was me who was navigating cancer and I felt alone in that. I missed out on bbq's, birthday parties, events and gatherings because I needed to protect my body and my immune system. I had to be careful who I was around because of what the chemo did to my body and immune system. I didn't want to feel alone anymore. So when people were out and about unafraid, I envied that. The envy came in the form of anger and resentment. I took it personally even though their choices had absolutely nothing to do with me.
My husband in the beginning, had a difficult time going to the market for me. My diet and what I choose to consume and put on me is very particular. I am the one who does the shopping even during treatments. I love going to the market. It's therapeutic in a way. Now with the chaos, lines, crowding and hoarding, it just didn't seem worth it for me to go. Also, I needed to protect myself. But in the beginning after a couple of hard shops for my husband, I went with him. We went to Trader Joes. They have been so thorough in their cleanliness and their system that I thought that it was okay. All was okay until I was in the frozen aisle and I started to panic. There were people too close to me and although there were only 20 people in the store, the smallness of the aisles and the store itself felt like it was closing in on me. I freaked out. I snapped at my husband. Grabbed the cart from him and sped through as quickly as possible. I needed to get out. I didn't go back to the market after that for a while. Thankfully, an organic market that I love opens early for immunocompromised, elders and pregnant women and so I have gone there when it opens and haven't felt the same sense of anxiety.
68 days later and I believe that I have felt every emotion. Different days bring different feelings. I stopped working during treatment because I am hairstylist and didn't want to be around all of the people and chemicals. Thankfully, I could stop working. I was meant to return to work in March when the world shut down. There is no working from home for me. I was taking a class at a community college and that kept me busy-ish. I am a person who loves having purpose, goals and things to do. There are days that I feel like I have no purpose. Though having no kids, no job and no real responsibility may sound good, it is real tough some days. For me at least.
In the beginning, I stuck my nose in other peoples business and was wanting them to stay home for me. I didn't say these words to anyone, but it was (unknowingly at the time) how I felt. When friends said they were out living life as if nothing was happening, I got angry. Like it was personal. I didn't want to be the only one who was home and giving up the everyday things. I was scared to go out and I didn't want to be alone in that. For the past 10 months I have felt a sense of isolation. Very few people I know can relate to what I was going through (thankfully). Although my support system is amazing and there was and is so much love surrounding me, it was me who was navigating cancer and I felt alone in that. I missed out on bbq's, birthday parties, events and gatherings because I needed to protect my body and my immune system. I had to be careful who I was around because of what the chemo did to my body and immune system. I didn't want to feel alone anymore. So when people were out and about unafraid, I envied that. The envy came in the form of anger and resentment. I took it personally even though their choices had absolutely nothing to do with me.
My husband in the beginning, had a difficult time going to the market for me. My diet and what I choose to consume and put on me is very particular. I am the one who does the shopping even during treatments. I love going to the market. It's therapeutic in a way. Now with the chaos, lines, crowding and hoarding, it just didn't seem worth it for me to go. Also, I needed to protect myself. But in the beginning after a couple of hard shops for my husband, I went with him. We went to Trader Joes. They have been so thorough in their cleanliness and their system that I thought that it was okay. All was okay until I was in the frozen aisle and I started to panic. There were people too close to me and although there were only 20 people in the store, the smallness of the aisles and the store itself felt like it was closing in on me. I freaked out. I snapped at my husband. Grabbed the cart from him and sped through as quickly as possible. I needed to get out. I didn't go back to the market after that for a while. Thankfully, an organic market that I love opens early for immunocompromised, elders and pregnant women and so I have gone there when it opens and haven't felt the same sense of anxiety.
68 days later and I believe that I have felt every emotion. Different days bring different feelings. I stopped working during treatment because I am hairstylist and didn't want to be around all of the people and chemicals. Thankfully, I could stop working. I was meant to return to work in March when the world shut down. There is no working from home for me. I was taking a class at a community college and that kept me busy-ish. I am a person who loves having purpose, goals and things to do. There are days that I feel like I have no purpose. Though having no kids, no job and no real responsibility may sound good, it is real tough some days. For me at least.
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