2020: The Great Pause

Life during a pandemic. 5 months in. So many emotions. At first I was motivated. Finding this time enjoyable. Doing all of the things to build my strength mind body and soul. Days empty with only things that felt good to do. I thought it was going to be short term. I think we all did. I wanted to learn new things. I was dancing, playing piano, journaling, working with a trainer, riding my Peloton, baking, learning new recipes and of course taking care of my sourdough starter, Fleur. I really enjoyed the time. Now, 5 months later and I feel like I'm in groundhogs day just without the access to all of the things and people that Bill Murray had at his fingertips. There are different emotions on different days and sometimes I just think, what is the point. Not that I don't want to live or be here. I fought damn hard to live and I will do just that. I just mean, what is the point of all of the things I learned or am wanting to learn if I can't use it? How do I use it? I have my NASM certification test coming up and I just question what am I meant to do with it? How can I learn how to train people on Zoom? How can I teach yoga and practice what I learn in my mentorship? So, I sit in analysis paralysis. I'm sure one could even say that I am really hard on myself. I did have quite the year only to come out of recovery and enter into a pandemic. A pandemic that has shifted everything and everyone. 

I talked about my thoughts to my life coach today. She posed the question to me, "what if you take this year off? What if instead you enjoyed writing, baking, running, yoga, meditation, making love to your husband and healing?" This made me cry. What if I did that? What a concept. I could stop beating myself up for not learning a new language or writing a new album (not that I am a song writer, but just thinking of Taylor Swift's new album). I could take the pressure off of myself and stop shoulding all over myself and instead I could take each day in and make them count. I can actually enjoy them without guilt. Not that I don't want to create or be productive because these things are in my very being. I just would not place the pressure on myself to create a successful blog, score a high score on the GRE, become a successful yoga teacher and trainer and figure out my life's work. Only to beat myself up when I don't take steps toward those things because the pressure is too great. So, I'm going to be kind to myself and taking the year off. 

Nobody has the rule book on how to live in a pandemic. I watch people on IG and begin to beat myself up because I am not doing all of the things and feel like I'm wasting time. What I fail to remind myself of is that none of these people had navigated cancer only to enter into the pandemic when thinking that life was going to begin again. Comparing their IG life to mine isn't fair and really it isn't an equal comparison. This is my life and it looks different from anyone I see on instagram. Even if it was similar, comparing and beating myself up because I'm not doing what others are doesn't help in any way. In fact, it's just cruel to myself. I'm letting that go. Life now is about healing and growing. Without the pressure who knows what I can create and do. Without attachment and the should my life can just be. Who knew that 2020 would be the year of the great pause. A year off.