Stop Bullshitting Around With...

 Big dreams. Big plans. Reaching. Throwing things at the wall and hoping something, anything will stick. This year has been tough. In so many ways. This time last year I was going through chemo treatments. I was so focused on putting one foot in front of the next that I wasn't really thinking of what I would do after treatment. All I knew was that I wasn't going to return to the salon.  I've been a hairstylist for 8 years. It wasn't in my life plan. I just stumbled upon it. After dropping out of Grad School in London, I was lost and the economy was in the toilet and so I couldn't find a job in editing or writing. So I went to hair school with the plan to go back to school or write or find a job in my dream field while doing hair. 8 years later I'm still in the salon and haven't done any of my plan. After I had my double mastectomy I thought I wanted to get into Nutrition. I LOVE all things nutrition. It interests me to no end. Recently I realized that while I love it, I don't want to have a career revolving around it. With the help of my Life Coach I discovered that I want to pick my abandoned dream back up. I want to write. I want to be in that world of words. The world that has given me so much comfort in different parts of my life. To say that there is so much self doubt haunting my thoughts would be an understatement. I'm the type of person that feels that I need all of the certifications, all of the degrees and experience to take that leap. I need to look at it from every angle and over think all of it. Even then, I don't always take that leap. 

Every morning I pray. I ask for guidance. I ask for signs. For direction. I've been asking lately what my purpose is. I feel lost. Unsure. I've been asking, "what's the fucking point?" a whole lot. There is so much uncertainty right now. Whole industries dying. Changing. We don't know what the future holds. This all mixed with my overthinking and my unfounded thought that I need to have certain certifications, there is a lot of not enough ness plaguing me. Lately though God has been sending me little words and signs. Like today, I read "A lot of y'all bullshitting around with your potential. You better pick that damn pen up and write your story." (@mahdiwoodard on IG). I didn't follow this man. I didn't know who he was. It is a post that you swipe through so I didn't know his message. I was guided to it. I needed to read it. I needed to be told that I am bullshitting around with my potential. It's not just today either, there have been little things that keep showing up. I'm listening. I'm seeing. I am writing. No more bullshitting around. It's been 10 years since put my dream on hold. Life is NOW. Today. I am doing my best to not beat myself up over it. Learn from it and write. Write the book I have had the idea for for years. Write on my blog. Take the steps and write my story. As soon as I read that, I came to my computer to write this. Step one. Day one. Little by little I will make my dream a reality and step into and live up to my potential. Who am I not to?